Recent reports out of Pittsburgh from an unnamed source have shed light on the disappearance of Captain Morgan. Billboards advertising Captain Morgan liquor have been showing up across the country minus the beloved Captain. It was recently learned that the famous celebrity’s contract had expired and he had decided to test the free agent market. After deals with Disney and Burger King fell through, Morgan was seen in Pittsburgh for several days. The Pirates had a press conference scheduled for last Friday but canceled it without any explanation.
After rumors of Morgan backing out of the deal, the Pirates front office denied any involvement. Late last night Captain Morgan was detained by the Coast Guard. While information has been somewhat conflicting, Morgan was seen leaving a New Jersey courthouse this morning. The Captain was wearing a Pirates hat and jersey, and would only say that he was an innocent man. Court records showed that the charges facing Morgan are astonishing, and he is free on $10 million dollar bond awaiting a pre-trial hearing scheduled for early May.
Morgan allegedly left Pittsburgh yesterday morning and several hours later boarded a private vessel off the New Jersey coast. The vessel was coming from the Caribbean and was unregistered to any port. The Coast Guard was alerted to a potential ship causing terror up the Atlantic coast and detained the ship under assumption of PUI (Piratering under the influence). Several crewmembers said that Morgan was the Captain and they were sailing under his orders. An investigation of the vessel led to the charges listed below:
12 counts of underage labor violations
9 counts of transporting wenches in International waters
43 counts of illegal firearms (28 being flint-lock pistols)
3 counts of aiding and abetting a fugitive (believed to be members of Blackbeard’s’ crew)
The Pittsburgh Pirates had no comment and denied any involvement with Captain Morgan. Hours after his release, Morgan was overheard by numerous observers in an argument with a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates legal team. The two were at a Red Lobster where an intoxicated Morgan drew on numerous napkins. The top of the napkins had a scratched out title of “Location of buried Signing Bonus from Pirates”. Upon questioning the Pirates admitting to talking to Captain Morgan, but denied any deals were reached. A deposit at a local PNC bank several days later did include several hundred thousand dollars in gold doubloons.
–shortly after this article was submitted Captain Morgan checked into rehab. His attorney has agreed to an interview scheduled with Oprah at a yet to-be-determined date.